Recovering after the storm

After a storm we mainly look at the damage

Sometimes life throws you into turmoil. Burnout. A relationship crisis. Losing someone. Losing yourself. Everything is turned upside down. And when things quiet down a bit, you mostly see the rubble.

What we rarely see? What remains standing. In my practice, I see it happen often: people find themselves in the aftermath of a storm. Exhausted, confused, sad, or angry. Or all of these at once. Understandable! But what if your perspective changes? What if you learn to see what's still standing?

“I am completely thrown off balance”

A life-changing event feels like a storm that has blown everything upside down without warning. Control is gone. The ground feels unstable. For a moment, you no longer know what's yours.

A woman told me, "I don't know who I am without my work anymore. And at home, we just clash." She stood still in the wreckage. But she was there!

“What fell over was actually already rotting”

In a real storm, it's often the weakest trees that fall. What isn't well-rooted won't last. This also applies to people. To relationships. To patterns you've been stuck in for too long.

That job had been consuming you for years. That relationship no longer felt connected. That friendship had grown lopsided. The storm, above all, exposed what was no longer working. The moment when "everything seems to be broken" turns out, in retrospect, to be the moment when space opened up for something new. For connection, awareness, and love. But that's hard to see when you're standing in the middle of the rubble.

“Awfully raw and valuable at the same time”

Recovering from a storm means feeling. And that's rarely easy or painless. You feel fear, relief, anger, hope, sadness, guilt, confusion. Everything rushes together.

And that is okay, because that is precisely what is important for your personal development: learning to carry what is there, without pushing it away.

I often see people judge themselves. "I should be stronger." Or, "Why do I feel relieved when I've lost something?" But this phase of recovery is meant to be raw, messy, and painful. And above all, it's incredibly valuable.

“What remains standing can now grow”

When the dust settles, something else becomes visible: What remained standing? What's stronger than you thought? What wants to take root again?

And more importantly: what can you let go of? What no longer nourishes you but only drains your energy?

A couple I counseled in couples therapy said afterward: “We came to fix what we once had. But what we found was something new. We're no longer clinging to what was. We're building something that works.”

Do you see the light yet?

The storm itself is often not your own choice. Only when you consciously learn to act from the rubble will there be room for light, space, and new growth. That's easier said than done. Recovering from a traumatic event takes time, attention, and courage. And that starts with these questions:

• What have I lost that was no longer right?

• What has remained standing, despite everything?

• What can be seen in the space that is now being created?

• What do I want to grow in that new space?

• What's stopping me?

This is yours to work on. Because that space... It's yours.

And that doesn't have to be alone

Seeing what remains standing while you're still stuck in the rubble takes practice. Sometimes you simply can't see it alone. You're too deep in the rubble, too tired of trying to stay upright. Talk about it with someone you trust. Therapy or coaching can also help you gain perspective, sense what's really going on, and give direction to what you want to rebuild. Not by solving it for you, but by looking at it together, seeing the rubble for what it is (and was), and strengthening what is there.

About the author

I'm Willem Kwakernaak, a couples therapist and coach at Praktijk InArnhem , in the Arnhem-Nijmegen region. I support people with relationship problems, personal development, stress, and recovery from traumatic events. In my practice, I utilize ACT, IBCT, and systemic work, including constellations. I also offer support with absenteeism prevention and school reintegration.

Want to know more or schedule an appointment? Feel free to contact us.