Let's talk about what we don't say

How silence in relationships can create distance and what helps to break it

Autumn... Summer feels so far away now. A sweater, long pants, and much more inward. Closer to ourselves, and closer to each other. And then we often feel the silence that was already there, but drowned out by the bustling summer.

At first, the silence feels safe. Peaceful. But sometimes that silence becomes oppressive. A wall. One of unspoken irritation, pain, or loss that you're suddenly confronted with.

In my practice, I often see it happen: couples who don't talk about difficult or painful topics. Not because they don't want to, but because they don't want to feel that awful feeling, or are afraid that what they feel will hurt the other person.

Believe me, I've been there...

The "fine" of silence

Maybe you recognize this too. You notice your partner is quieter than usual. Or you're saying less and less, so as not to burden the other person. You hold back your words. You say "it's fine." And meanwhile, everything keeps piling up.

That silence isn't the problem itself. It's what lies beneath:

Everything that cannot be said.

Why We Stop Talking

In relationships, we often avoid precisely what needs attention. There's a logical reason for this. Attachment patterns lead us to try to protect connection. This often manifests as the following pattern:

• One wants to keep the peace and withdraws (the withdrawer ).

• The other person seeks contact and starts talking louder (the pursuer ).

  
  

Both do this out of love. But the effect is distance.

In ACT, we call this control and avoidance : we try not to feel anxious feelings by avoiding them or controlling them. Avoidance may sound like ducking, but it often happens very subtly. For example, by trying fun or exciting things. You might light a few candles, book a weekend getaway, or buy a thrilling toy for the bed.

And so we work so hard to avoid feeling or hurting. We are masters of avoidance. But what we avoid grows. And we need more and more of it to avoid feeling or hurting.

And at some point, your whole house is full of candles and your bedside table is overflowing.

You guessed it: What's not being discussed hasn't diminished. The silence actually becomes more charged. Heavier. And every attempt to "keep things friendly" widens the divide. Often without you even realizing it. After all, you're working so hard to make it enjoyable!

Learn to talk again about what we don't say

So what now? How do you get out of that "fine" state and back in touch? Connection doesn't start with the perfect conversation, but with honesty. Daring to say what's really going on, without needing to fix it right away.

A few small steps that make a big difference:

1. Say what you feel, not what the other person is doing wrong. " I've been feeling a bit lonely lately." Instead of: "You're so distant."

2. Acknowledge that it's difficult. "I find this hard to say, but it feels important."

3. Let silence be there. Sometimes an immediate answer isn't necessary. Even saying nothing can create connection if it feels safe.

4. Write down what you're wearing but don't talk about. It could be feelings, an event, a fear... If you want to write a story, feel free; sometimes a single three-letter word says just enough.

5. Discuss it when it feels safe. Start small. You don't have to cover everything in one conversation. Practice putting something small into words, and build on that together.

So:

True connection requires us to dare to be honest, even when it feels uncomfortable. Silence doesn't disappear by talking, but by showing yourself . Even all the shit you don't want to talk about. Even the conversation that might hurt someone. And autumn might just be the perfect time to brave the storm, let your brown leaves fall, and unwind...

And to blossom again.

What you can do now:

And do it right now! Choose one thing you haven't said in a while. Write it down. Read it out loud to yourself. And if it resonates, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Not to solve anything, but to reveal yourself.

Do you find that silence in your relationship feels safe, but also creates distance? In my practice in Arnhem, I help couples and individuals find words for what's stuck, creating space for light, air, and connection. Learn to talk together again about what you're not saying.

Want to work on your relationship? Schedule your intake or free introductory meeting here now .