Always the same old argument? Cut through the bullshit.
- Willem | Praktijk InArnhem
- 5 days ago
- 3 min read
Practical steps to break out of your pattern.
You probably know it. That recurring argument about small, everyday things. And I encounter it so often in my practice (and yes, in my own life too...). It starts about the dishwasher, kitchen clutter, the kids' bedtime, or "back on your phone." Within five minutes, you're back in the same argument: you push, the other person withdraws. Or the other way around. By the end, you're both tired, nothing's resolved, and you feel misunderstood and disconnected. Tomorrow again?
Would you rather not? Then I have good news! It's rarely about the dishwasher. It's about unseen needs and patterns you unconsciously repeat. You can break that with the following concrete steps.
Step 1: Identify your dance (without guilt)
Recognizing your pattern is the crucial first step. There are different dances, but usually there's a follower. (seeks contact/solution) and an avoider (seeks peace/safety). Neither is "wrong": they are protective styles. Do you recognize a pursuer and an avoider in your relationship?
Want to explore your dance with your partner? Then each write down for yourself: What do you see me doing in the recurring argument? What do I feel? What do I need? Share that without defense or attack.
Step 2: Time-out that works (no cold war)
Safety first. If things get too heated in the fight, call a time-out . Not to punish, but to regulate. Note: a time-out always has a specific end.
Say, "I feel myself clam up. I want to talk about this properly; I'll be back in 10 minutes." or "I feel my anger getting too intense for me to talk about. I'm going to take a walk around the block."
Do something that calms your nervous system: walk, breathe consciously, shower, stretch.
Always come back at the agreed-upon time. Trust grows from keeping small agreements.
Step 3: From blame to need
A reproach is a need in disguise, with a finger pointing. Try to stop pointing and express what you feel and need.
“You're always late” often means exactly the same as, “I feel lonely and want to be considered important by you.”
Step 4: Listening isn't waiting for you to speak
What you can do to improve your listening and make your partner feel seen: Really listen. And you can do that by summarizing and validating . Try this. It's going to feel incredibly contrived, but that's okay. Just acknowledge it.
Summary : “What I'm hearing is that you felt left out when I continued to work.”
Validate : “I understand that, especially after a day like that.” You don't have to agree with each other to understand each other.
Step 5: Mini-ritual after the argument
Arguments often end in silence or scoring points. Choose something else: a short ritual to land.
2 minutes of hand on each other's shoulder and 5 calm breaths.
One sentence per person: “What do I take away from this?”
One micro-agreement (achievable within 48 hours): “No phones at the table on Saturday.”
When help is useful
Are you going round in circles? Is it escalating more quickly, or are you both disengaging? Then relationship therapy isn't a last resort, but an accelerator . You'll learn to recognize patterns, break silences, and choose behaviors that align with connection.
In ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) you learn to carry unpleasant emotions without letting them control you .
Note: “This is shame/anger.”
Breathe. Let sensations come and go (10 breaths).
Choose behavior that aligns with your values: “I want to connect → I calmly express what I need.”
Would you like to explore how you or your partner can break these patterns? In my practice in Arnhem, I'll work with you to explore what's stuck and what needs to be reclaimed. Not vaguely, but honestly. And always connected.
