Parenting as a team
- Willem | Praktijk InArnhem
- Feb 22
- 3 min read
Sometimes it seems like your child has a problem.
The anger. The withdrawal. The explosion. The pleasing.
But often, your child's behavior also serves as a mirror. A mirror of what's happening between you as parents. Not because anyone is doing it wrong, but because children have an infallible sense of how firmly (or how unstable) their parents' relationship is.
When Parents Aren't a Team
Many parents want the same thing: safety, peace, a child that develops well.
And yet, tension sometimes arises between parents. Perhaps you recognize yourself in the following examples:
In itself, that's not a problem. Differences are healthy. But when differences turn into contradictions, a child senses it. And then something we'd rather not see can arise: a conflict of loyalty.
A conflict of loyalty is a situation in which a child feels forced to choose between their parents. They may have to behave differently with one parent than with the other. Or they may try to reduce tension by adapting. This often appears as reluctance or resistance, but it's often a hidden loyalty that the child doesn't know how to handle.
The underlying layer
Differences in parenting styles often have a personal impact.
Maybe you want to be the safe, loving parent. Maybe you want to be taken seriously in your role. Maybe you're afraid you're falling short.
That's human.
But if that personal layer is not expressed, unconscious competition can arise.
Who is the most understanding? Who is the clearest? Who has the "best" impact?
While parenting is not a competition.
From contrast to complementation
Good news! A child doesn't need two identical parents. But they do need two parents who complement each other.
It starts with a simple but important question:
What kind of father do I want to be? What kind of mother do I want to be?
And after that:
How do our roles reinforce each other?
If you know what you stand for, you don't have to overshadow others. This creates space for collaboration.
Regulating as a team
When a child is tense or angry, it helps to stay on the same course together.
Sometimes a short time-out is helpful. Not as punishment. Not to silence someone. But as a break to regulate.
Always agree on a specific time for your return. And ask yourself two questions:
Has my child calmed down a bit?
Have I calmed down myself?
Because a child learns to regulate by adults who demonstrate how to do so.
What this does to your relationship
How you work together as parents directly affects your relationship as partners.
When you feel supported in your parental role, respect grows. When you feel undermined, distance grows.
Parental competition almost always seeps into the relationship. It creates irritation. Recrimination. Withdrawal.
But when you consciously choose to be a team, the opposite happens. Trust is created. Equality. Connection.
So, co-parenting isn't just good for your child. It also strengthens your foundation as partners.
Insight
Your child isn't just showing their own development. It's also showing how you work together.
Not to judge you. But to invite you to stand more firmly beside each other.
What you can do now
It's really that simple... Schedule a meeting together, without your child present. Don't talk about rules or practical arrangements. Today, we're talking about the core: your shared vision as parents.
What do we want our child to say about how we were parents together?
How do we complement each other?
Where do we feel tension and what do we need there?
Do I feel supported by you in my parental role? And if not, what do I need?
What can I do today from my role, within the team we want to be together?
Set a goal together. As parents. And as partners. Because a child feels the difference between two individuals… and within a team. In my practice in Arnhem, I work with parents and individuals to strengthen collaboration and connection.
within the family and within yourself. Not to ignore problems, but to learn to recognize, feel, and build a way of parenting together that works for you and your child.
Want to work on your relationship? Schedule your intake or free introductory meeting here.
